Imperfectly Worthy: Breaking the Cycle of Perfectionism and Burnout
- Nicole Pitt
- May 24
- 4 min read
Updated: May 26
Perfectionism isn’t a personality trait ~ it’s a survival strategy.
It Starts Small...
You re-read the email again. A third time. You tweak a sentence. You worry it sounds too forward. Too emotional. Too much. So you delete it.
You think: Maybe they'll respect me if I get it perfect.
If that feels familiar ~ you’re not alone.
We Weren’t Born Believing We Had to Be Perfect
We learned it along the way. Maybe from the parent who only praised us for straight A’s, or the coach who only acknowledged us when we won. Perhaps it was subtler ~ a societal message whispering:
"You must be flawless to matter." ... eyeroll ...really?
The truth? Perfectionism is not about success. It's emotional armor, forged to protect us from shame, rejection, and pain. And armor, no matter how strong... is exhausting to wear.
Perfectionism doesn’t protect your worth. It convinces you that you never had any.
Why “Perfect” Never Feels Good Enough
Beneath perfectionism lies a relentless fear: “If I’m not perfect, I’m unworthy.”
This fear fuels anxiety, depression, burnout, and chronic dissatisfaction (Flett & Hewitt, 2022). The problem isn’t our standards ~ it’s that our worth has become dependent on meeting them.
Perfectionism doesn't heal shame; it feeds it.
What happens when we set unrealistic standards for ourselves?
Perfectionism Through a Therapeutic Lens
Schema Therapy ~ Core Beliefs
Perfectionism often arises from schemas like Unrelenting Standards and Approval-Seeking (Young et al., 2003). These beliefs form early in life and tell us that love and safety depend on performance.
Attachment Theory ~ Love on a Tightrope
Inconsistent or conditional care often results in anxious attachment, where we strive to be good, quiet, helpful ~ perfect ~ to avoid rejection (Brown & Elliott, 2016).
Polyvagal Theory ~ When Perfectionism Is a Trauma Response
From a polyvagal perspective, perfectionism keeps us stuck in sympathetic (fight/flight) or dorsal (shutdown) states (Porges, 2011). Our nervous system learns: If I get it right, I stay safe.
DID YOU KNOW? The “fawn” trauma response ~ over-pleasing, over-functioning ~ is often masked as perfectionism.
The Body Keeps the Score of Perfectionism
Our bodies carry what our minds have long buried:
Muscle tension (shoulders, neck, jaw)
Chronic fatigue
Digestive discomfort, headaches
Trouble resting or feeling safe
These are nervous system cues of chronic survival mode (Dana, 2018).
If your body feels wired even when you're “relaxing,” you're not broken ~ you’re protecting.
Healing Through Polyvagal Awareness
Polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011; Dana, 2018) offers a roadmap for gently calming our nervous systems. We need proof that imperfection can be safe.
“Pause of Permission” ~ A Polyvagal Practice
Step 1: Hand Placement
Place one hand over your heart and one on your belly.
Step 2: Breathe
Inhale gently (count to 4)
Exhale slowly (count to 6–8)
Repeat 3–5 cycles
Step 3: Affirm
Take a few quiet moments to repeat these phrases slowly, either aloud or silently. Let each one settle into your body:
“I am safe, even when I’m imperfect.”
“My worth is not defined by what I do.”
“Right now, I have permission to rest.”
“I can soften the grip of pressure and lean into gentleness.”
“I am allowed to be whole and human, even in my messiest moments.”
Repeat the ones that feel soothing. Skip the ones that don’t. Let your body lead the way to what it needs most.
“I am safe, even when I'm imperfect.”
“My worth is not defined by what I do.”
“Right now, I have permission to rest.”
Sensory Self-Compassion Ritual
Build a sensory sanctuary that reminds your nervous system that rest is safe:
Scent: Lavender, chamomile, bergamot
Touch: Weighted blanket, silky fabric
Sound: Nature sounds, calming music
Visual: Warm lighting, affirming images
Taste: A warm or cool drink, or a soothing snack
Visit this space when you feel the pressure to perform ~ and just be.
Expressive Arts: Our Imperfect Masterpiece
Healing doesn’t need to be linear. Or tidy. Or edited.
Scribble. Paint. Collage. Let it be imperfect.
Underneath, write:
“Imperfect ~ and enough.”
You don’t have to explain your pain to heal it. You just have to feel safe enough to feel it.
In a culture that profits off your exhaustion, perfectionism is obedience.
Choosing softness, slowness, and self-compassion is radical.
~ We don’t heal by doing more. We heal by letting go. ~
Your burnout is not a failure. It’s your nervous system saying, “I can’t keep surviving like this.”
We Are Already Enough
We never had to earn our worth. We don’t have to hustle or hide our imperfections. We’re allowed to rest, mess up, and be exactly who we are.
We have always been worthy, just as we are ~ especially in our beautiful imperfection.
Want to Go Deeper in Your Healing?
If this post stirred something within you ~ whether it was a sense of recognition, resistance, or relief ~ you are not alone. Healing from perfectionism and the pain it covers is tender, powerful, and courageous work. You don’t have to do it by yourself.
At Waves Elemental Psychotherapy, I offer one-on-one therapy, group programs, and creative healing spaces to help you reconnect with your nervous system, rewrite old beliefs, and remember your worth. Services are available in both American Sign Language (ASL) and English, with deep understanding of perinatal and parental mental health, sexual wellness, self-esteem, disability, and Deaf community experiences.
My practice is inclusive and affirming, welcoming individuals from all backgrounds, identities, and lived experiences ~ because healing is for all of us.
Connect with me directly at wellness@wavestherapy.ca or explore offerings at wavestherapy.ca.
You don’t have to carry this alone.
References:
Brown, B., & Elliott, R. (2016). Attachment Disturbances in Adults: Treatment for Comprehensive Repair. W.W. Norton & Company.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Flett, G.L., & Hewitt, P.L. (2022). Perfectionism in Childhood and Adolescence: A Developmental Approach. APA Books.
Malchiodi, C.A. (2020). Trauma and Expressive Arts Therapy: Brain, Body, and Imagination in the Healing Process. Guilford Press.
Porges, S.W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation. W.W. Norton & Company.
Van der Kolk, B.A. (2015). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin.
Young, J.E., Klosko, J.S., & Weishaar, M.E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide. Guilford Press.
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